Meltdown

Sorry, I've been MIA. DH and I went to Atlantic City over the weekend. It was nice to get away even if it only was for a day.  Of course the roller coaster that is my ttc journy ensued.  After getting the good news on Friday, I was on cloud 9.  I was just waiting for the approval for the insurance company so I could order my meds. The RE's office called me back yesterday and told me the insurance company is giving them a hard time about the approval of our IVF. Since my husband has a variocele they said they might want him to try to get surgery before they can approve it. Even though my doctor told me they are so small it wont do anything. So of course i completely lost it and had to go outside while at work and i just sobbed. I was sooooo happy last week getting ready to start this all and it can all come crashing down now. My mom said to be calm and that they havent even denied you yet and if they do you cant change that...and trust me i know that is completely logically but as you know, its hard to see logic when you're going through all this. So by the beginning of next week we should have our verdict. they said the doctor can appeal but that will take a few months and if they still deny it we have to wait for a year after the surgery to see if his numbers improve before we can do ivf again...this is a complete nightmare right now. i honestly feel like im going to go off the deep end. My RE's office said this woman is the new coordinator over at GHI and is the one giving them so much trouble.   They said he name should be Miss GHI because thats who she thinks she is. The nurse told me in the 11 years I have worked here I have never once had to tell a patient they were denied due to a variocele.  Leave it to me to be a trend starter.  So they're hoping the medical directer is more sensible and sees that its not only my husbands issues but mine as well.  The nurse said normally due to the fact that I'm not ovulating and how my blood work is all coming back that they would approve it on that alone.  She said my doctor was flabbergasted because he said thats not the issue. His morphology would change slightly, if even at all and they would have to go through surgery and waste all this time to go back to IVF anyway.

So today I called the insurance company to see if it was still pending or if there are any changes because if I'm continuing with IVF for May, I need to order my Lupron shots which I'm supposed to start in 2 weeks. When the woman answered the phone she said her name and I froze.  I went into sweet as pie mode as well.  I had just said to her I was calling to check if there was any new information on the approval.  Then I explained I had to order meds but I didnt want to if I wasn't getting IVF this cycle.  I said my husband has a variocele but out doctor said it was so small surgery wouldnt make a difference.  Plus I have my own issues, like not ovulating.  Then she was like I'm lost....were you calling about your medicines and I was like no I need to order them through someone else so I just wanted to see if there was any status changes on the approval. And she was like its still says pending and to me she sounded kind of surprised..  I just said thank you very much for all of your help. Nowwww... I'm freaking out what if this was the woman they were getting the approval from and I said something wrong.  Part of me feels like why would someone who does approvals and that kind of stuff pick up a random GHI customer call but the other part of me wonders like how many women with the same name can possibly work there. It's not that common of a name.  And if it was her why did she sound so surprised when she realized it was still pending?? Is that good or bad???  I am soooo anxiety ridden right now.  Not knowing whats going on is the worst thing in the world.  If he has to get this surgery and we have to wait a year it will literally break my heart.  I know so many other poeple in the world are struggling with hard things in their life, that are wayyyy worse then mine, but its so hard not to think of your own situation.

So as of right now I have promised myself I wont call the insurance company anymore because I'm literally making myself sick to my stomach over it. Now I'm just waiting to hear back from the doctor. I feel like I'm driving them nuts so I'll wait till Friday to call.  In the mean time I need to work on not driving myself crazy because this has been all I have been able to think about since yesterday.  I completely can understand how people can literally make themselves crazy from letting their mind run rampant.