I went to the doctors this morning for our sonohystogram and everything came back good. He said the cysts is still there but its so little he doesn't see it being a problem. Then we had our IVF class. DH and I learned how to do all the shots. All of my injectibles are being delivered today and we are picking up anything oral tonight. Soooo as of right now here are my following dates of things going on:

Today-Starting Lupron
4/22-Stop BC
4/26-Uterine Mapping
5/4-Baseline Sono and Bloodwork and possibly starting Stims if everything is a-ok.

They said we are looking for retrival somewhere around the 16/17/18 (Only a month away). Then they will decide on a 3-5 day transfer and then transfer and 2 weeks later I go in for my beta. So fingers crossed in a little over a month I'll be a mommy!!!

Only thing that was a little disheartening today was they said they were going to freeze the embryos and I wasnt aware how much that cost. Its another $1800...that I'm not sure we can cough up in a month.

In Shock

As I'm writing this the tears are streaming down my face. The doctors office just called me back. They approved the IVF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in complete shock right now. And today was the last day they can do it that I could start this cycle. So tomorrow I am going for my sono, my IVF class, and I am starting my Lupron. So I will officially be doing my IVF in May!!! I will let you know how everything is going tomorrow!!!

Losing Sleep

 So I'm supposed to be having a Drs. appt. tomorrow for a sono and having the IVF class wed and starting my lupron shots. I had called the doctor friday and they still hadn't heard back from this medical director. So I called today to see if I was still keeping my appts. for this week and the woman told me the medical director has still not called them back. So they bumped my sono till wednesday and said if he gets the ok i can just got straight to the class after. I really really really just don't get it. My mom said to me today sometiems we forget we're not doctors only patients and I get this but it's just so aggrevating. So odds are I'm guessing I'm not going to be doing IVF in May as planned. But now it sucks like am I going to get to do it next month or is my husband going to have to get this surgery and I'm going to have to wait like a year. I had a complete and utter breakdown last night. I sobbed for like 2 hours till like 1 in the morning and then I had a massive anxiety attack that kept me up till like after 2. It was bad...really bad. The worst I've been in a long time. So needless to say I'm exhausted today. This is just all causing me to have zero motivation and I just want some answers. It's effecting my whole entire life right now. It's completely maddening.

Zero Self Control

Soooo i called the doctor (insert epic patience fail). she answered the phone and its the same lady i always deal with and I was like Hi Rochelle is Heather and before she could get another word in i was like im not calling for an update, and she started laughing and she was like you're too funny.  I was like I just wanted to let you know that I received the letter from the insurance company and I told her what it said and I said I didn't know if you needed it.  She said they hadnt received anything like that yet so fax it over to her.  She said the medical director over at GHI is only in on Tuesdays and Fridays.  So she said they are hoping for a call back from him today.  She said the doctor reviewed our charts again and still stands firrm on his decision that IVF is our  only option and he doesn't think the surgery will do anything.  She said I know GHI has gotten a lot stricter with there policies but it seems to the Dr. that this is your only option.  I said to her so do you think we are still in the running here and she said yes, i think you still have a shot.  She said hopefully I can call you back today with some good news.

So I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I really hope she does.  And at least I know that the doctor is only in on Tuesdays and Fridays that if I dont hear anything today they wont have an answer till Friday so I don't need to drive myself nuts wednesday and thursday

(Im)Patiently Waiting

Well first off I hope everyone had a great Holiday weekend.  Sadly, dh had to work yesterday..the joys of being a cop but my Mom did Easter breakfast early so we could all be together and then later on we went to my Aunt's for dinner. I have to say my allergies are killing me!! I think its a mixture of that and my sinus's.  Anyways....still havent heard anything from the RE yet.  I know as of Friday afternoon they still didn't know anything.  I'm going to try to wait till tomorrow to call them. The wait is killing me though. I'm hoping the call me (with good news) before I have to call them. I went to confession on Saturday and to church yesterday with the hopes of getting any help I can.  I think I need to get back into going to Church. So as soon as I find out something, you guys will.

Loss for Words

So yesterday I heard back from the RE's office that our insurance company denied our request for IVF.  Even though it's the only thing that is going to work for us. They denied it due to my husbands varicocele. The doctor said the varicocele is sooo small a surgery is not going to make a difference and in the end we will have to get IVF anyway, so they're just prolonging us having a baby. So after yesterday my doctor was supposed to be putting in a call to the medical director to see if he could get him to approve the denial. I'm hoping for some sort of Easter miracle...after all this is supposed to be one of the most miraculous weekends. Honestly I'm super scared right now...I spent most of yesterday curled up on the couch crying. I just want things to work out for once.  I had asked if I should stop taking my BC and they said not till we have any answer because if I stop taking it, I'll get my period and then if my doctor changes the medical directors mind I'll still have to wait an extra month anyway. I told myself I would wait till Monday or Tuesday to call the doctors office back but I'll be lucky if I last till Monday because it's been all I've been thinking about since they told me they were giving them a hard time on Tuesday.  I'm hoping before I call that they will call me with good news...sigh...the journey continues....

Meltdown

Sorry, I've been MIA. DH and I went to Atlantic City over the weekend. It was nice to get away even if it only was for a day.  Of course the roller coaster that is my ttc journy ensued.  After getting the good news on Friday, I was on cloud 9.  I was just waiting for the approval for the insurance company so I could order my meds. The RE's office called me back yesterday and told me the insurance company is giving them a hard time about the approval of our IVF. Since my husband has a variocele they said they might want him to try to get surgery before they can approve it. Even though my doctor told me they are so small it wont do anything. So of course i completely lost it and had to go outside while at work and i just sobbed. I was sooooo happy last week getting ready to start this all and it can all come crashing down now. My mom said to be calm and that they havent even denied you yet and if they do you cant change that...and trust me i know that is completely logically but as you know, its hard to see logic when you're going through all this. So by the beginning of next week we should have our verdict. they said the doctor can appeal but that will take a few months and if they still deny it we have to wait for a year after the surgery to see if his numbers improve before we can do ivf again...this is a complete nightmare right now. i honestly feel like im going to go off the deep end. My RE's office said this woman is the new coordinator over at GHI and is the one giving them so much trouble.   They said he name should be Miss GHI because thats who she thinks she is. The nurse told me in the 11 years I have worked here I have never once had to tell a patient they were denied due to a variocele.  Leave it to me to be a trend starter.  So they're hoping the medical directer is more sensible and sees that its not only my husbands issues but mine as well.  The nurse said normally due to the fact that I'm not ovulating and how my blood work is all coming back that they would approve it on that alone.  She said my doctor was flabbergasted because he said thats not the issue. His morphology would change slightly, if even at all and they would have to go through surgery and waste all this time to go back to IVF anyway.

So today I called the insurance company to see if it was still pending or if there are any changes because if I'm continuing with IVF for May, I need to order my Lupron shots which I'm supposed to start in 2 weeks. When the woman answered the phone she said her name and I froze.  I went into sweet as pie mode as well.  I had just said to her I was calling to check if there was any new information on the approval.  Then I explained I had to order meds but I didnt want to if I wasn't getting IVF this cycle.  I said my husband has a variocele but out doctor said it was so small surgery wouldnt make a difference.  Plus I have my own issues, like not ovulating.  Then she was like I'm lost....were you calling about your medicines and I was like no I need to order them through someone else so I just wanted to see if there was any status changes on the approval. And she was like its still says pending and to me she sounded kind of surprised..  I just said thank you very much for all of your help. Nowwww... I'm freaking out what if this was the woman they were getting the approval from and I said something wrong.  Part of me feels like why would someone who does approvals and that kind of stuff pick up a random GHI customer call but the other part of me wonders like how many women with the same name can possibly work there. It's not that common of a name.  And if it was her why did she sound so surprised when she realized it was still pending?? Is that good or bad???  I am soooo anxiety ridden right now.  Not knowing whats going on is the worst thing in the world.  If he has to get this surgery and we have to wait a year it will literally break my heart.  I know so many other poeple in the world are struggling with hard things in their life, that are wayyyy worse then mine, but its so hard not to think of your own situation.

So as of right now I have promised myself I wont call the insurance company anymore because I'm literally making myself sick to my stomach over it. Now I'm just waiting to hear back from the doctor. I feel like I'm driving them nuts so I'll wait till Friday to call.  In the mean time I need to work on not driving myself crazy because this has been all I have been able to think about since yesterday.  I completely can understand how people can literally make themselves crazy from letting their mind run rampant.